Soundbites of the week

BREAKING NEWS

No one’s watching X Factor for the singing. The judges’ cage-fighting is much better. “Shut it, you slag!” “No, you shut it, you slag!” etc (The X Factor)

TV IS EDUKASHIUNAL

1. First time an albatross flies, it doesn’t touch land for five years.

2. The world’s oldest caterpillar is the woolly bear caterpillar. Each year it spends four months frozen solid. After 14 years, it finally becomes a moth.

3. No one knows what exactly the narwhal’s long tusk is for.

(Frozen Planet Special)

GOOD POINT OF THE WEEK

“You can’t look good in a nappy. A BABY doesn’t look good in a nappy” – Karl Pilkington tries sumo wrestling (An Idiot Abroad)

FINAL SCORE FROM THE IMPRESSIONS SHOW

Jon Culshaw – 2 (Fabio Capello, Gok Wan)

Debra Stephenson – 5 (Fiona Bruce, Janet Street Porter, Arlene Phillips, Pat Butcher, Louis Walsh own goal)

SMOOTH-TALKING DEVIL OF THE WEEK

“Women are cruel, insensitive and they are hurtful. And so beautiful! They smell really nice. They smell like… toffee apples”- Rudy (Misfits)

WELL, THEY SAID IT

“It seems that some of the contestants on Signed By Katie Price aren’t taking this competition all that seriously” – Synopsis on Sky Living website

D’OH!!

“If he can play football the way Balotelli can, why dive like that?!” – Commentator Jon Champion (QPR v Man City, ESPN). Er, to win a penalty?

WORDS NOT TO SAY IN EASTENDERS

“Today we’re going to be one big, happy family”- Masood (EastEnders)

LITERARY EXPERT OF THE WEEK

Precocious nine-year-old Marcus: “OK, who wrote Bleak House?” Dad: “I want to say Snow Patrol” – (Spy)

UNLIKELY STREET SLANG OF THE WEEK

Mount Olympus refuge boss: “Here it could hail in the summer. Then we say ‘Zeus is in a bad mood today!'” Joanna Lumley: “Respect!” (Joanna Lumley’s Greek Odyssey)

WIT OF THE WEEK

Tamara Ecclestone: “Ultimately, my career is more important than a spot.”

Harry Hill: “Mmm… not sure” (Harry Hill’s TV Burp)

INTERNATIONAL ACCENT OF THE WEEK

“Someone’s just told me you cheeded on me before I cheeded on you” – Hugo to Millie (Made in Chelsea)

GOURMET OF THE WEEK

Harry on his new man Kurt: “I was gonna cook something German… but then I thought: ‘I don’t know what Germans eat’. Then I thought: ‘I’m just going to cook him something normal’… but then I thought: ‘I can’t cook’…” Harry to Kurt: “Do German people eat their own food? I did some research on Germany food. And I saw that you eat frogs in Germany” – (TOWIE)

BREAK IT TO HIM GENTLY

“The one thing I would change you can’t change – which is your burger nipples” – Mark to Arg (TOWIE)

GOOD POINT OF THE WEEK

“The thing that gets me is, he’s won.” “Chesney, he’s dead!” – Katy on John Stape (Corrie)